top of page

Whose responsibility is it to communicate?

Without a doubt the swinger lifestyle has many more curves to handle, more potholes to avoid, and so many detours to take than the monogamous lifestyle.

Monogamous is simple right because  you don’t share so you live by one underlying rule, no fucking around with others.

Swinging, who the fuck knew there were so many styles of swinging to migrate and have communication around.

Are you…

Soft swap?

Full swap?

Play separate only?

Play separate optional?

Only play together?

Couple play only?

Threesomes only?


Then there are rules…

Condoms, no condoms

Oral, no oral

Anal, no anal

Kissing, no kissing

PDA in open with others, just behind closed doors


Bi or Straight

These list goes on and on…  and communication is always top of mind for me.  I have been a coach for far too long- it’s in my blood and not a part I can just pretend doesn’t exist- nor do I want to as prioritizing my physical- mental- and emotional well being is also top priority. If you don’t do what is best for you in lifestyle, that which is in alignment with who you are, you can easily become an empty shell.  We have all seen the glow exit another’s eyes and being.

If you don’t respect what is best for your partner, you create cracks and mistrust in the relationship.

If both parties don’t prioritize the “us” and uphold the rules of engagement currently in place a broken relationship is coming.

Just as there is cheating in monogamous relationships, I have witnessed plenty of cheating among swingers. Maybe for some they get off on cheating and risking getting caught.

Alex and I have had to keep our mouths sealed more than we should have to… and we don’t get involved.

Our first year in lifestyle we were in Atlanta; and unfortunately, the scene is more underground or it was at the time. We also didn’t know about SDC.   Trapeze in Atlanta was our go to and then by chance meeting people in our building and at strips clubs that happened to play with others. I think we were introduced to SDC and I was 100% not dating couples so didn’t think it was for us.  Our first year I was open to learning and exploring, open to soft, less open to full swap.  I have never had an issue with exhibitionism.

It definitely took me more time than Alex.

My first thought was I don’t want to be in the same room and he was, I won’t do different rooms- it’s a couples experience or not at all.

In observing and learning we had far too many people say the key is not to talk about it after.

That didn’t sit well with either of us. If we cannot talk about it, it means we shouldn’t be doing it, that is just our feeling.

It’s super hot talking about it.

Neither one of us were jealous souls when we met and not going to lie- growing up in an extremely religious household and being very sexual is a mind fuck! I was already the naughty daughter, the black sheep, the daughter who dressed too provocatively.  If I became a swinger there was without a doubt going to be a distance because my family cannot help other than to ruin holidays chastising that which they don’t agree with.

We sure seemed to meet more totally dysfunctional relationships than functional in lifestyle in Georgia… I would be speaking with the female… and then whisper to Alex drama alert they have a fucked up relationship.

I get why the different styles work for individual couples and respect them all.

I love that we bump into to dysfunctional so few and far between these days and that couples are communicating what works for them and can articulate why to others. My nerd inside loves hearing the journey of others. It causes me to think bigger !

So most swinger couples have done a pretty good job these days of communicating so they are on the same page.


Whose responsibility is it between couples to communicate their couple “pages”?

This came top of mind recently because a couple posted that another couple (the host and hostess) entered into play with her at their party… and when they took it inside… the couple who played with her was only interested in playing with her.  No full swap.  The problem was their guest for whom they played with her only don’t enter into play where both will not be playing.

So they felt used and lied to. They felt lead on.

So the question begs whose responsibility is it to communicate?

Did the host and hostess know those are their rules and blatantly failed to communicate?


Did they assume that because she was a willing participant and her partner a willing participant in giving his partner pleasure with them too that was consent and nothing further needed to be communicated or should be expected?


Do all of us each have a responsibility to pause and communicate standards and boundaries to gain agreement before a disagreement and hurt feelings occur?

They say we should never assume in life and we shouldn’t!

I don’t think assumption makes an ass out of both parties, I think assuming makes an ass out of the person assuming.

More and most important, I don’t think in swinging any expectation should be made without a spoken understanding.

Why not ask, “hey if we hang with you guys and we are getting along are you down to fuck or are you just looking to make friends tonight?”

I have heard so often “this couple spent all day hanging with us by pool to now find out they don’t swap”.


Is it there fault for not volunteering the information and maybe assuming you are like them or your fault for not asking their status in LS where if you are in a mission to fuck you can move the fuck on to find like minded

Maybe responsibility truly falls on everyone - in a perfect world it would and we live in far less than a perfect world- and if you want to ensure your play needs are upheld you might not want to be closed lipped and just assume 😘😘

Sponsored by adult online superstore for sexual health and wellness


107 views0 comments


bottom of page